Don’t worry about where or who you’re going to be in five years.  Like high school, you’re going to look back and wish you had done so many things differently.  Know that and do them differently now.  Focus on what’s in front on you.  Work on the relationship you have with yourself first.  Slow down.  Enjoy today.  It’s okay to not know.  Eat alone in restaurants.  Stop trying to prove something.  Seek growth instead of validation.  Shatter your veneer.  Be heard.  Draw boundaries.  Pull from your Solid Self as much as you can.  Sweat.  Process (get therapy).  Travel.  Don’t compartmentalize people.  Love fearlessly, even though you’ve been crushed before.  Practice gratitude.  Eat clean.  Toss your scale.  Pull yourself out of the victim position.  Exercise your forgiveness muscle (you will need this).  Don’t be concerned with what others think of you.  Step out of line and jump into life, yours.  Accept your story.  Don’t chase paper.  Seek truth.  Be patient.      

- Angry

By 40, you should have…

1.  A purpose or on the road to finding one.

2.  Your own sense of style, not based on your friends or what you see in magazines.

3.  Good credit.

4.  A collection of stories that you can tell a group of strangers at a party or your grandkids one day.

5.  Broken a bone.  If you have not broken a bone by now, you have not played hard enough.

6.  At least 5 stamps on your passport.

7.  Told another man that you loved him.  Not in a romantic way.  But because as friends you have gone through a lot and sharpened each other but more importantly you are comfortable enough with yourself to say that to another man.

8.  Healthy boundaries with your parents.

9.  A savings.

10.  Jeans that fit.

11.  A healthy diet and an exercise routine because your metabolism has stopped.

12.  The ability to parallel park on the first or second attempt.  Not third or fourth.

13.  Appropriate shoes.

14.  Cried uncontrollably at least once.

15.  The ability to finish an entire crossword puzzle.  It doesn’t have to be The New York Times on Saturday.  Just any, even the TV Guide.

16.  Lived and learned enough to mentor someone.

17.  Enough social skills to be left alone at a party / social gathering.

18.  A firm handshake.

19.  The ability to forgive.

20.  A rebirth.

By 40, you should know…

1.  How to be metacognitive.  If you don’t know what that means, I hope you’re not 40.

2.  What 20% of a bill is without pulling out a calculator.

3.  How to pleasure a woman.

4.  Your defects (pain / wiring) and working on fixing them (healing / rewiring). 

5.  Your worth, your value, and your non-negotiables.

6.  How to use chopsticks, especially if you are NOT Asian.

7.  The difference between making love and fucking and when which one is appropriate.

8.  How to make a bed without it having to be redone by your partner.

9.  The art of listening. 

10.  How to change a flat tire.  Even if you never have to do it.  

11.  How to cook one good meal without using the microwave. 

12.  What kind of people you want to surround yourself with and the ability to do it.

13.  Where you’re going and who’s going with you.  Not the other way around.

14.  How to control your alcohol.   

15.  That you were meant to change the world in some way.

16.  That man makes the money.  Money doesn’t make the man. 

17.  Not to compare yourself to other men.

18.  How to ride a motorcycle.  This doesn’t mean you have to buy one.  Just know what it feels like to feel so powerful and powerless at the same time.

19.   Not to wear skinny jeans no matter how fashionable they are.

20.   How to build and rebuild a safe container.

- Angry

What’s on your personal list of things to have and know - and possibly do - before turning 40?

Many define their worth by their ability.  The better they are at something, the more value they believe they posses.  Some let others define their worth.  They believe their value lies in how friends, co-workers, bosses, family, and lovers perceive them.

When you define worth this way, you become powerless.  Your value fluctuates according to what you can do or what people think of you.  Therefore, you will spend your days trying to be better or trying to please others.  This process will create a never ending cycle of anxiety and unhappiness.    

The way you break this cycle is to redefine what worth means.

The day you were born, you have worth.  You are valuable, not because of what you can do but because of who you are.  There is only one of you on this planet which makes you  unique, rare, and extremely valuable.  When you realize what you are good and pursue that, you are not increasing your worth.  You are sharing your gifts.  

By thinking this way, you take the power back.  Your worth does not fluctuate.  You go from stock to gold.  This minimizes inner conflict, there is no cycle, and your potential to share your gifts sky rockets.      

- Angry 

My definition of picket fence.

- Angry

If someone discounts our ability, we don’t carry that with us as much as when someone discounts our worth.  We can disagree with what someone thinks we can or can not do.  But it’s difficult to disagree with one’s opinion of us.  So we start to believe it.  We internalize their beliefs and create false beliefs about ourselves.  We begin to feel we are worth less.  

The truth is your worth can not be rated.  Who you are has no limit.  When someone says something negative about you, it’s based on their story of you and since their story is just as fucked up as yours, so are their opinions.  

Worthproof yourself by knowing that no one can rate who you are.  They can only measure their resistance toward you, which is their problem.  Not yours.

- Angry

TOM:  I want to wake up knowing that you feel the same.

SUMMER:  I can’t give you that.  No one can. 

This dialogue stung when I watched this movie last night.  It stung because it’s true. When we’re in a relationship, we can’t guarantee that we or they will feel the same the next day. Of course, we hope.  Many expect, then get angry (hurt) when their expectations are not met.  I know I did.  But it’s not something anyone can promise, even if you’re married.  I think it’s what makes relationships so painful, so hard. To invest in something with no guarantee is petrifying, unfair.  So what does this mean?  It means we have to earn it each and every day.  And some days we will and some days we won’t, because some days it will have nothing to do with us.     

- Angry 

Many believe they need to close a chapter before opening a new one.  They see closure as a cleansing, a washing away, and they don’t allow themselves to move on until what is preventing them from moving on has completely dissolved.  But if that’s the case, wouldn’t closure stunt growth?  Not allowing yourself to push forward until you have let go of the past becomes a damn, a missed fallen domino piece, quicksand.  According to this definition, closure will keep you closed. 

I believe closure is having the ability to transition, walking after that crippling event or relationship.  Closure then is courage.  Closure is not allowing what happened to have power over you, determine who you are, or how you want to live your life.  That piece of your story contributed to your journey.  It is polish.  Not tarnish.  Closure doesn’t have to mean forgetting about or erasing memories. 

The events that have happened to us, the relationships we have been through, they are valuable.  To hope they didn’t happen or push them away is not closure.  That is denial.  Closure means to accept, learn from, but most importantly begin again.  Closure means to walk and it is a bridge, not a door.

- Angry

Kim Karshaisan and Kris Humphries filed for divorce after 72 days.  When I hear stories like this it gives me the same feeling as hearing about teenagers using abortion as birth control.  I think there’s a tremendous lack of responsibility here.  I don’t know their hearts or the details of their relationship but unless there was physical / emotional abuse, 72 days is not a marriage.  It’s a summer fling.  I don’t care if they went straight in couples counseling right after the honeymoon, 72 days is not enough to say you worked on your marriage.  I believe they abused the ritual, one I hold precious and valuable, one I am protective of because one day, if I have children, I want them to experience the kind of love that can only be had with hard work and a fierce commitment.  I don’t want them to see marriage as a transition, a phase, or a coin toss which is what it seems to be these days.  I think too many quit early.  I think people don’t understand that healthy relationships are earned not given, and that chemistry alone is not enough to break your vows.  I believe we shouldn’t end a marriage until both have done everything in their power to save it.  But then again, I didn’t profit 15 million dollars from media / endorsements when I got married. 

- Angry  

As I coach more and more people with their relationships, I see similar patterns.  Different people but the same dysfunction, caught in the same vicious cycle where they are powerless and sometimes even lose control of their lives.  One of the predominant patterns I see is this Predator / Prey thing I keep talking about.  

If you’re attracted to the “bad boy” - an addict or someone with addictive behavior, impulsive, manipulative, controlling, lacking boundaries, etc., you probably fall into the prey category.  If you struggle with addiction or addictive behavior and find yourself chasing for the sake of the chase, or not being able to control your desire to dominate / conquer, you may fall into the predator category.  These two are magnets.  Put them in a room and they will find each other by the end of the night. The attraction is instinctive.  It’s not a physical thing.  It’s a wiring thing. 

The predator and prey are wired this way, which I believe has to do with an abusive upbringing / not getting emotional needs met as a child.  As adults, we may find his dysfunction familiar, or his “attention” milk since we didn’t receive unconditional positive regard as a child, or maybe believe we don’t deserve better which would also be false beliefs formed from earlier times.  Or we may find her easy to control, something we don’t have in our lives or ourselves, or needing the knowledge that we could have her if we wanted to at anytime like a baby blanket.  

All of these involve taking from someone, instead of giving / sharing yourself with another person.  And that is the question you must ask yourself.  If you are taking, that’s not healthy love.  That’s feeding your dysfunction.  If you’re giving / sharing, that’s healthy love.  

Why is it so easy to see when it’s something as simple as money?  When someone is in a relationship strictly for financial gain, most know it’s not real love.  Well, taking from another to fill a part of you that is missing or defective is no different.  

People don’t get dogs if they don’t have time for them because they don’t want to be irresponsible owners.  If you’re not working on yourself while you’re in a relationship, wouldn’t that make you an irresponsible lover?  And working on yourself doesn’t have to mean seeing a therapist.  It can mean being open to and encouraging change, whatever that means for you.  It starts with being aware and taking ownership but I do believe there needs to be some kind of action involved.  

Rewire.

If I told you to start writing with your other hand, how difficult would that be?  It would be almost impossible or at least that’s how it would feel.  That’s what re-wiring is like. It’s changing the way you think, something you have been doing your entire life.  That’s why change is hard.  That’s why people keep falling back into the same patterns. Rewiring takes work.  Lots of work.

First,

1)  Sharpen your radar.  You have to be aware of your thoughts, be metacognitive.  Know your weaknesses.  Know who you are attracted to and why.  Question it.  Is it coming from a healthy place?  Are you taking or giving?  Imagine an elephant as your emotions and the rider on top as your logic.  Your emotions are much more powerful.  But you can learn to tame them.  It takes a lot of practice and a sharp radar - knowing someone is NOT good for you.  

2)  Change means breaking patterns.  Draw firm boundaries.  This means with Sharpie. Not chalk.  Steer the elephant so you don’t go down that familiar road because you know how it’s going to end.  Focus on what you want in a relationship and ask yourself if he / she is giving that to you.  This means behavior.  Are they telling you what you want to hear or actually loving you - action / behavior.   

3)  Know what’s at stake.  The quality of your life.

No child enters adulthood unscarred and they say you can throw a quarter and hit an addict.

REBLOG THIS if you know someone who needs to hear it.

Maybe it’s you.

- Angry

I’m 10,000 feet in the air and feeling ambitious. I figure if I go down, might as well go down swinging. So I picked the toughest question in my inbox of 208.  Yes, I know they are accumulating.  That’s why I’m answering questions and not surfing Facebook.  Anywho, got my Dunkin Donuts coffee balancing on the lopsided tray, my half folded lap top pressed against the reclined seat in front of me, and my pants unbuttoned (two donuts while waiting to board). Okay, let’s do this!

I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore.  I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices.  The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual.  Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey. If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination.  Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?

Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love.  That’s it.  It’s that simple.  Either to continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love.  Even in relationships, especially in relationships.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person.  It means we are left with a choice.  There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person), and loving someone (choosing to love that person).  You may have love for someone forever.  But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever.  The choice to love is not a feeling, it is an action.  That is why it is so difficult.  It requires you to do something and I’m not just talking about buying flowers.  It might mean putting your wants aside.  Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant. It is a variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you’re at in your life and what you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice. 

Although love varies, it also deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the journey together, the more fruit the process with bare. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy - which means you guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes your choice worth it. 

So how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question is do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me one thing. 

Let the fall make you stronger. 

- Angry